This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
