do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
