I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
