After last night, I could never be a politician.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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