I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
