Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
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Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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