Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
