my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dear god my vagina.
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