This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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