i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
