two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
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I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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