ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my shit smells like andre
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
