she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
