She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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