When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You can't just leave with hair like that
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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