Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
