apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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