a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you made out with another girl for some wings
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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