just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
