I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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