When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The police scanner is talking about you again....
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
