Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
