My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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