I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
