made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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