break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
