"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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