When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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