3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
