Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So vagazzling was a success
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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