She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
it glows. i had to have it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
