I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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