the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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