i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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