Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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