even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
