id be glad to
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
