I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
In America we eat man semen.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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