You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
