whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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