Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
