I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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