I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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