Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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