when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
