Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
