I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
