After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
