I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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