I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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