All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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