I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
