the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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