My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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