i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
