SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I smell stomach acid.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
